What’s Your Sign?

When I meet a possible new friend,

And I’m trying to tell if we’ll blend,

So I ask questions about their life story,

Careful to avoid details too gory,

And since we seem to be vibing,

Our conversation is smoothly gliding,

But just when I’m starting to like them,

They ask me the following gem:

“What’s your sign?”

*I garble my words like I’ve had too many beers*

“My, uh, my what? Sorry. Can you, uh, repeat that one more time?

*While alarms sound off in my ears*

“You know, like Cancer, Pieces, or Gemini…”

*I resist the temptation to hate and judge*

“Um, no I don’t think so, should I?”

*But bad thoughts are here and they won’t budge*

“LOL, do you at least know what month you were born in?”

*Within his tone of voice I register a scoff*

“Come on, you’re acting like not knowing your horoscope is a sin,”

*So I’ve now officially written him off*

“Oh boy, someone’s getting a little testy! Must be a Virgo!

*My mind’s eye is blinded by blood*

“I was born in August if you really want to know,”

*As my thoughts lash out and strike him with a thud*

“You’re a Leo too? So am I! We should totally hang out!”

*I ponder various gruesome methods of killing him dead*

“Yeah, sure thing. Without a doubt.”

*Until I settle on one and finish him off in my head*

Q-Tip Addiction

Had a rough day

Nerves are about to fray

Need to escape

Life is a pointless scrape

Me and happiness don’t mix

I’m fiending for my fix

So off I zoom

Straight to the bathroom

Where I lock the doorknob

Before grabbing a cotton swab

As I plunge my ear canal

Existence is no longer banal

Sensation is total bliss

Like an angel has given me a kiss

The deeper I poke and prod

The closer I feel to God

You could call my addiction a vice

But to me this is heavenly paradise

Forget the 72 virgins with slender hips

All I want is an itchy ear with some q-tips