Q-Tip Addiction

Had a rough day

Nerves are about to fray

Need to escape

Life is a pointless scrape

Me and happiness don’t mix

I’m fiending for my fix

So off I zoom

Straight to the bathroom

Where I lock the doorknob

Before grabbing a cotton swab

As I plunge my ear canal

Existence is no longer banal

Sensation is total bliss

Like an angel has given me a kiss

The deeper I poke and prod

The closer I feel to God

You could call my addiction a vice

But to me this is heavenly paradise

Forget the 72 virgins with slender hips

All I want is an itchy ear with some q-tips

Onions

​When giving a new recipe a try,

I cut into an onion and begin to cry.

Despite all the effort I assemble,

My upper lip is a steady tremble.

So I excuse myself,

Because emotions are bad for health.

And into the bathroom I go,

To recover my lost machismo.

As I flex my biceps in the mirror,

I can feel my virility drawing nearer.

I do it a couple times more,

Before I open the door,

And when I get back to the kitchen,

I’m like a new man on a mission.